The Complex

My blog is ugly. You have probably observed this and thought this to yourself at least once out of the three times you have visited. I have no cute pictures. The color scheme has a quasi-techno 80s vibe. And the sad thing is that I don't care enough to do anything about it. It's not that I don't care if it looks pretty and inviting, it's more that I don't care enough to invest the time into making it look pretty. Some may call this laziness, but I'm not a lazy person. It's more that I feel like I have a limited amount of energy (and time) to expend, and making this blog look better does not make the list of things to expend that energy on.

Do any of you ever feel like you are so busy, but then you look around and it's hard to say what you've been doing? That is my day in a nutshell. It makes me wonder how much I mistake being busy with true activity. I think I have some sort of anti-relaxation complex because very rarely can I be doing one thing and not be thinking about the next thing or the other thing I need to be doing. For example, I can't just sit down and watch TV (we have a DVR now so I actually do keep up with 3 whole shows), I have to be folding clothes or feeding a baby or making a list or doing something else "productive." I think it is a disease inherited from my mom. She always has to be doing something - and it usually involves cleaning. I think my grandma had it, too, and her manifestation of it involved raking leaves.

My husband wonders why I don't chill and play Xbox (or do something of the like) with him after the kids have gone to bed. The honest answer is that it never ever even crosses my mind to do that. Not because I don't think it would be fun, but because there is always something else to be done. Always. I am never on top of everything to the point that I think, "Ah, let's just kick back and relax." I can understand why the term "going postal" is in reference to the postal workers going crazy, because there never is an end for them. There is and always will be more mail. They can never get to a point where they can sit back and think "my job is done." I feel the same way.

I like order. I'm not a freak about it (and my standards have lowered considerably since having kids) but I really don't feel comfortable when things are in disarray. I feel claustrophobic. And I don't just mean things physically being in order. I want to be on top of all the areas in my life that need attention. And so I guess in some way I am under the delusion that if I just keep doing something then some day I will conquer all the things that need to/should be done, and then I will have a house and life of order. Then I will relax.

Weighing In

It has been four weeks since I decided to lose some weight. I'm glad to report that I've lost 5 more pounds, bringing the total up to 13. I am just now starting to feel like I can see a difference in how I look.

I was surprised I lost any this past week, as we were out of town visiting my parents and I always gain weight when I am there. It's funny to me how differently stocked my refridgerator and cabinets are compared to theirs. I realize the family dynamics play a big role in that (I only have one sister that is still living at home, and she is a very picky eater at that), but I realize when I go back how many of my eating habits and food selections I established after I left home.

I realize it is different when we are in town because everyone is playing to the grandkids, but it is hard to eat right when I am there. For example, I think I ate one apple and that was the only fruit I had - that was the only fruit there was. Never had a salad. I ate cookies or brownies probably 4 of the 6 days I was there. We ate out 4 different times and ordered pizza once. This may not sound like a lot to some people, but for me it is a lot different than how we eat at my house. But I will admit it was yummy.

The Wisdom of a 6-year-old

Two days ago Little J was being Mr. Mouthy about having to pick up some toys. During this battle of the wills he tells me that it'd be better if he had a different mom. Which would have really made me sad if it wasn't so funny how mad he was. I was relaying this story to my mom (we're out of town visiting my parents right now) and Big J overhears me telling her what Little J said.

Without missing a beat, Big J looks at him and deadpans, "They're all the same, Little J."

Alas, I guess all of us mean moms who ask our kids to pick up toys are...

Everyday Heroes

In honor of Valentine's day, here is one of the most inspiring stories about the power of love that I have ever read. Be sure to watch the video footage at the end. Oh, and get some kleenex.

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

If You're Happy and You Know It

One of my old college roommates, Noel, tagged me to list 6 things that make me happy. This is an interesting topic, because I think there are different levels and kinds of happiness. For example, I'm happy when I am showered and have my makeup on within a few hours of waking up, but that's not going to make my list. So I thought about what are the things that give me a peaceful, warm-fuzzy-kind-of-happy feeling. Not surprisingly, most of them revolve around my family life:

1. Watching through my kitchen window as my boys play in the backyard. It is so fun to see their imaginations at work and their love of life. It is an added bonus if my husband is out there playing with them.

2. When someone tells me my kids are good kids. Of course I think they are wonderful, but I love to know other people think so, too.

3. The things my boys say. From the sweet to the outrageous, they make me smile. I love listening to their conversations when I am in the next room.

4. When someone holds my hand. I, by nature, am not an overtly physically affectionate person. I don't spontaneously scratch backs or rub feet, and rarely do I wish someone would do it to me. But I love it when my husband reaches over to hold my hand or put his arm around me, or when my little ones want me to hold their hand or sit on my lap. It makes me happy they are still small enough not to be embarassed by it.

5. Owning a home. We've been in this house for almost 3 years. I love being able to transform it at will. I love having a yard to work and play in. I love having a place big enough to accomodate friends and family for whatever the occasion may be. On those rare occasions when it is all in order, when the rooms are clean and the laundry is done, I am in heaven!

6. Nature. Don't get me wrong - you won't see me hugging any trees or hiking up Everest. But I have always loved the beauty and wonder of nature. I think that God's fingerprints are everywhere in it.

Now that we all have warm fuzzies - TAG YOU'RE IT!

OJ and Toothpaste

As of this morning, I am 8 pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago when I declared my goal of losing 25 pounds by April 19th. I know it will come off much slower now that the initial "shock" to my body is over, but I am pleased with this result. Especially considering I've only been modifying what I eat and haven't even started into a regular workout routine yet. I hope to lose about 2 pounds a week from here on out, because I feel that is a healthy and manageable weight loss without doing some funky diet that I'll never keep up with anyway.

I admit that somedays I think it totally blows because I want to eat whatever, whenever I want to. By writing everything down and being ultra-aware of portion sizes, I have realized what a pig I have been and how much little things can add up. Do you know that just seven Tostitos chips are 140 calories with 7 grams of fat? Not as bad as a lot of chips, but still - only seven! Whoever eats just 7 Tostitos? Or that 6 meatballs (tiny ones, at that) are 240 calories with 17 grams of fat? Really it has come down to making better choices. I could get another helping of that cheese-laden casserole or I could get more of the vegetables and salad. I like the fact that I am gaining control over this aspect of my life, and I think it is more of a mental game than physical.

One thing I do is let myself "cheat" a little each day. I don't do well when I feel like I'm being backed into a corner and don't have a choice, so I let myself indulge in something once a day. Today it was a slice of banana bread for breakfast. On Sunday it was the 7-layer dip my friend brought over for the Superbowl. (I think that's funny - "hey, a football game is on - let's eat junk!") I want to make this work so that it is something I can continue to keep up with for the rest of my life, not just a temporary fix, which is what I feel most diets are.

Other things I've done is chew a lot of gum, drink a lot of water (and I admit that my Diet Dr. Pepper intake has gone up), and brush my teeth often. When I was on my mission, we would teach a smoking cessation program to people who wanted to stop smoking and one of the things they were asked to do was to brush their teeth and use mouthwash after each time they ate because those tiny food particles left in their teeth served as a trigger to their taste buds. In their case, it was for an "after dinner" cigarette; in my case it is to eat more food. I figured if it worked for a stop smoking program it could work for a stop eating program. It's kind of like how you don't want to drink orange juice right after you've brushed your teeth....

So that is where it stands. I'll let you know how it is going in another couple of weeks.

This is Amazing

Some of you may have seen this, but you've got to watch this video from CNN. It is so beautiful - it gave me the chills.

http://tinyurl.com/yxewot

By the way, I believe her.