On Motherhood

I want to preface this post by saying that I never really dreamed of being a mom. I knew I would be a mom and I wanted that, but I wasn't one of those girls that sat around and thought about their picket fence house with little munchkins running around it. I never answered "a mom" when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never made a list of baby names I wanted to use. And I never spent any time oooing and aahhing over kids that weren't related to me or that I wasn't getting paid to watch. I don't know why - I just had other things I wanted to do first.

I never had a strong passion about motherhood, or womanhood for that matter, until after I had my first child. And as all of you who have children know - they change everything. They change who you are from the innermost, deepest core of you. I can remember looking at my baby and being overwhelmed with what a sacred responsibility I had in caring for that child. I remember being overcome with how much trust this tiny person had in me. They counted on me for everything, and I wasn't going to let them down. I am continually taken back by the unconditional love a child has for their far-from-perfect mother. I can understand a love deep enough to give your life for someone.

Sometimes when things are noisy and messy and hectic, a brief glimpse of what my life would be like without my kids flashes into my mind. Quiet. Clean. Totally wrapped up in myself. And it stops my breath. There is nothing I would rather have than what I have now.